The Bottom Five Reasons Sex is Like the Gym: 
5. I need a personal trainer.
4. It would help to have a partner.
3. I wish I could get there every day.
2. Two-a-days were a lot easier 20 years ago.
1. When I’m done I like to go to sleep.

5. Kind of want to stay awake and see what happens, although you may not remember.

4. Tend to lose things: hours of your day, entire package of cookies,

3. Credit card balances mysteriously rise,

2. Credit score drops,

1. Requires a prescription.

Mongoose, monsoons and haboobs, oh my!

The Bottom Five Documentaries:
5. Books and You – Are You Smart or Popular?
4. Birds and Air Pollution… Still Flying High!
3. Sheetrock, the Unsung Building Material.
2. The Dull Lives of Ordinary People. A 64 part PBS miniseries by Khenit Burne.
1. Still More Reasons the Holocaust Probably Didn’t Happen.

It’s 112 in Phoenix.  My a/c can’t get the house below 80.

The Bottom Five Pets:
5. A stick
4. Mosquitos
3. Leprechauns (It’s not racist because I’m discouraging their enslavement)
2. Pterodactyls 
1. Wookiees (see # 3)

To: Small Creatures visiting my house

Re: Privileges

Tiny lizard and cockroaches – thank you for confining most of your activities to the bathroom areas. Should you be found in any carpeted room, be advised that the vacuum has been plugged in for many hours and is fully charged.  Some of your friends and family have already been sucked to their death.  If you wish to avoid joining them in whatever hell awaits, stay away.

As you know, said vacuum is less effective in tiled areas of my home.  This may have given you a false sense of security.  I’ve fortified defenses with many objects suitable for throwing at, and squashing you.  These wounds are almost always fatal, and if you survive, I promise that you will wish you hadn’t.  In reserve there are some chemical weapons that I’d rather not unleash upon the environment.

I believe we should live and let live.  Some of you will be here long after my people are radioactive dust. I suggest you enjoy that comforting truth, but in the meantime seek your happiness outdoors.  Should you choose to surprise me, you may hear a high pitched girlish scream.  Recognize that as my battle cry and prepare to suffer my wrath.

Regards,

The Human

The Bottom Five Things to do When You Can’t Sleep:
5. Enjoy power tools,
4. Alphabetize sock drawer,
3. Begin surveillance on neighbor’s lawn gnome,
2. Wash paper plates and polish plasticwear,
1. Infomercials!

The Bottom Five Things no longer with us:
5. Nicholas Cage movies
4. The Plague
3. A guy named Adolf
2. Witch hunts
1. That giant meteor strike that changed the climate and killed all the dinosaurs.

5. Count stuff.
4. Watch some radio.
3. Check for a pulse.
2. Dig a hole.
1. Fill it in.

from 7/16 on facebook

5. Visayan Warty Pig
4. Mexican Hairy Porcupine
3. Sarah Palin
2. Somali Wild Ass
1. Naked Mole Rat

I love to laugh, smile, snicker, etc.  For the last month I've posted a daily Bottom Five on Facebook.  I'll try to keep up with a new one every day.  I'll share them here too, along with other stuff that might be funny.  Let me know what you think.