5. Everyone is a better writer than me.
4. Not catered by Voodoo Donuts.
3. Shane Black seemed kinda down.
2. Too much BBQ!
1. Got less sleep than Darryl had in Negan's jail.
2. Dutch Elm disease
3. Low, broken, stabby branches
4. They use a lot of carbon dioxide.
5. Birds, taunting from the safe haven of a high branch. And sometimes they poop on you.
5. Under water, and you don’t have a pool.
4. Step into the shower and find a giant cockroach staring at you.
3. A police flashlight burns through your eyelids.
2. A wet tongue, but you slept alone.
1. Forgot that you didn’t sleep alone, but wish you had.
5. Based on your vacant eyes and tendency to stand still, people approach you to ask “Are you selling?”
4. If you do take drugs, it doesn't feel any different.
3. Hallucinations, but not the fun kind.
2. Repeating tasks already completed.
1. No REM sleep = no sex dreams.
5. Letting go of Vista
4. Buyer’s remorse
3. Retina – why can’t I see the difference?
2. End of long relationship with Ctrl_Alt_Del
1. No money left for all those nifty apps
4. Nearest bathroom is a car ride away.
3. Leading lady made no seduction attempt.
2. Not allowed to keep prop weapons.
1. Can’t wait to see it!
5. Extra fees for the ambulance driver and the guy who yells CLEAR.
4. There was no white light.
3. Muscle atrophy
1. Even more invisible to attractive young women.
The Bottom Five things that need to go
5. Old fitness magazines still in the plastic envelopes
4. Pens that don’t write
3. Clothes that don’t fit
2. Power cords and electronics that don’t match
1. Expensive couch that was never comfortable
Today's Guest Five comes from the Captain of the Tempe Tip-Tops, Josh Hoganson.
The Bottom Five Reasons to LARP:
5. Medieval weapons not allowed in pub.
4. Otherwise authentic re-enactment spoiled by adjacent Pop Warner game.
3. Local butcher no longer offers mutton.
2. Sewing costume took your mother all day, leaving no time to prepare post-battle pizza bagels.
1. No easier to get the damsel while LARPing than in real life.
The Bottom Five Things about Labor Day:
5. People drink a lot of beer. And stay in the pool a long time.
4. Should be called Lazy Monday.
3. Still don’t know what’s in a hot dog, but do regret eating it.
2. Commemorates our victory over Canada.
1. Makes Tuesday feel like a Monday.
The Bottom Five Things to put on your Bucket List (suggested by Jeff Herstein):
5. Eat a bran muffin.
4. Go to Branson.
3. Clean out junk mail folder.
2. Get that TPS report done!
1. Tell your ex it was all your fault.
Today's Five comes from my 2nd favorite export from the Great White North, Marty Burtwell. #1 is Labatt's. Nice work Marty, I hope they don't revoke your visa.
The Bottom Five Things I miss from home:
5. Beer that works
4. Nickleback borrowing sugar from me
3. Drive bys
2. French kissing Eskimos
1. Beavers that work
Today's Five is from my old roomate, Wino. Aka JET, aka Jim Thoren. Thanks Jim, see you at the reunion.
The Bottom 5 Tips for better customer (phone) relations – on a bad day.
5. Answer using your “This is a recording” voice.
4. Answer using a co-workers name.
3. Just reply “We’re sold out of that”
2. Reply “Wow... we’re sold out of that too”.
1. Just don’t answer the phone...
Today's Guest Five comes from birthday boy Andrew Flynn. Happy birthday Drew!
The Bottom Five Tips for Healthy Living:
5. Bar food equals a slim Goodbody!
4. Kale-flavored breastmilk make for an unhappy newborn.
3. The gym? More like McDonald’s!! Am I right, ladies?!
2. Lots of red meat gets you lots of gold stars from your cardiologist.
1. I’m not an “alcoholic”. This intervention is bullshit!!
Welcome to a new feature, Bottom Five Comedy's Guest Five! Today's Five comes from Dave Thurston, founder and director of the Outliars Comedy Clubs.
The Bottom Five Reasons to be an Arizona Cardinals Fan:
5. If I don’t support the University of Phoenix marketing efforts who will.
4. Game time = the only time my wife will let me drink.
3. Ran into Larry Fitzgerald 12 years ago at the grocery store and you still buy season tickets to support "Your good friend Larry Fitzgerald."
2. The Cardinal is an inspiringly fierce predator
1. This will be our year.
Robin Williams was a comedy hero. He might have created more laughs than anyone. I saw him on Happy Days and was so excited when Mork got his own show. The news says it looks like suicide, so he lost the battle with his depression. I fight that battle too and thank god for my friends and comedy and laughter. Please, if you are fighting a battle and feel like the demons are beating you, talk to someone. Stay longer and tell jokes, listen for funny and enjoy laughter. It's a sad day but other good days are coming.
The Bottom Five Things about Nursing:
5. All the sick people.
4. Dumb doctors.
2. Never an orderly around when your patient vomits.
1. No vampires to clean up all that blood.
The Bottom Five Stories Fox News is working on:
5. Cannibals at our border!
4. Ronald Reagan defeated Hitler’s clone in cold war Hunger Games.
3. Democrats - genetically inferior, or is it liberal socialization?
2. Obama’s true birthplace – the moon!
1. Hillary - liberal or alien?
The Bottom Five Movie Clichés:
5. The hooker with a heart of gold.
4. The frumpy best friend is played by a hot actress. But glasses and a pony tail disguise how hot she is.
3. An accent so bad you know they don’t actually speak that language,
2. Bad guys never get away with it.
1. The nice guy gets the girl.
The Bottom Five Places to make a new Friend:
4. Tent city
3. The DMV.
2. A methadone clinic
1. The dumpsters behind Walmart
The Bottom Five Things About Local Government:
5. Reality TV is more realistic.
4. Doesn’t understand subtle differences between graft and corruption
3. Diverts citizen’s attention from them to ‘problems’ at the border
2. Some of them believe what they say to get elected.
1. Most of them don’t.
My Bottom Five Improv Characters:
5. The Invisible Man
4. Dead guy
3. Baby Adolf
2. A dude that looks and sounds kinda like me
1. Anyone with an accent
The Bottom Five Reasons Sex is Like the Gym:
5. I need a personal trainer.
4. It would help to have a partner.
3. I wish I could get there every day.
2. Two-a-days were a lot easier 20 years ago.
1. When I’m done I like to go to sleep.