To: Small Creatures visiting my house
Tiny lizard and cockroaches – thank you for confining most of your activities to the bathroom areas. Should you be found in any carpeted room, be advised that the vacuum has been plugged in for many hours and is fully charged. Some of your friends and family have already been sucked to their death. If you wish to avoid joining them in whatever hell awaits, stay away.
As you know, said vacuum is less effective in tiled areas of my home. This may have given you a false sense of security. I’ve fortified defenses with many objects suitable for throwing at, and squashing you. These wounds are almost always fatal, and if you survive, I promise that you will wish you hadn’t. In reserve there are some chemical weapons that I’d rather not unleash upon the environment.
I believe we should live and let live. Some of you will be here long after my people are radioactive dust. I suggest you enjoy that comforting truth, but in the meantime seek your happiness outdoors. Should you choose to surprise me, you may hear a high pitched girlish scream. Recognize that as my battle cry and prepare to suffer my wrath.